101 Things I Fear

1. Praying mantises
2. Thunderstorms
3. The dark
4. Being alone
5. Failure
6. Being the center of attention
7. Never being noticed
8. Loss
9. Never being enough
10. The ACT
11. Going to College
12. Not being accepted to College
13. The future
14. My past
15. Myself
16. Scary movies
17. Haunted houses
18. Religion
19. Texting first
20. Coming off as fake
21. Being annoying
22. That secretly no one actually likes me but they pretend they do and talk to me for the sake of we go to the same school but once graduation comes they'll never speak to me again
23. Graduating
24. Never amounting to anything in life
25. Divorce
26. The number 7
27. That people will judge me for still listening to The Jonas Brothers
28. People I know finding my Tumblr
29. Clowns
30. That one clown from season 4 of American Horror Story *shudders*
31. Being cut in half
32. A slow, painful death
33. Big spiders
34. Touching snakes
35. Crowds 
36. Never marrying
37. Never becoming a mother
38. Getting cancer
39. Public speaking
40. The ocean
41. Squids
42. Octopuses
43. Sea turtles
44. All ocean animals really
45. What others think of me
46. Needles
47. Being abandoned
48. The unknown
49. Driving
50. Metathesiophobi (fear of change)
51. Bees/wasps/yellow jackets etc.
52. Dragonflies
53. Being forgotten
54. That I don't mean as much to other people as they mean to me
55. Talking on the phone
56. When someone says "we need to talk"
57. Choking to death
58. Being buried alive
59. Rejection
60. People touching me
61. Snapping one's neck when they pop it
62. Being ridiculed
63. Freezing to death
64. Blood
65. Natural disasters
66. Holding babies-Dropping them accidentally
67. Embarrassing myself
68. When rings get stuck on my finger 
69. Becoming insane
70. Arguing 
71. Ebola
72. Swine Flu
73. Having to get an amputation for any reason
74. Mascot (people in those mascot costumes... Sorry Cosmo, stay away from me at games)
75. War
76. Heart failure
77. Dying young
78. Financial insecurity when I grow up
79. Growing up
80. Going skydiving and my parachute not opening
81. Being impaled
82. Ouija boards
83. Expressing my opinion
84. Being put under anesthesia and never coming out again
85. Being laughed at
86. Bullying
87. Quiet people
88. Old people
89. Big reptiles
90. Being alone in a forest
91. Fainting... again.
92. People grabbing my wrists
93. Being outside at night
94. Lakes at night
95. Dolls at night
96. Being stared at
97. Being eaten
98. Being replaced
99. Hippos
100. When my dad shoved sunflower seeds up my nose
101. That no one reads my blog

Alive

Songs that make me feel I'm alive.

Songs that remind me I am alive.

1. Iris-Goo Good Dolls
2. Broken-Lifehouse
3. Angels On The Moon-Thriving Ivory
4. Sheep Go To Heaven-Cake
5. Holocene-Bon Iver (explicit)
6. Fight Song-Rachel Platten
7. Year 3000-Jonas Brothers
8. Bye Bye Bye-'N Sync
9. Beautiful-POD
10. Work Song-Hozier
11. Tiny Glowing Screens pt 2-George Watsky (explicit)
12. Hey @$$hole-Watsky (explicit)
13. Such Small Hands/Nobody, Not Even The Rain-La Dispute
14. Take Me To Church-Hozier
15. A Thousand Miles-Vanessa Carlton
16. Sk8r Boii-Avril Lavigne
17. Check Yes Juliet-We The Kings
18. September-Daughtry
19. Skyscraper-Demi Lovato
20. F***ing Perfect-P!nk (explicit)

Egg's

So I finished making a poem out of those 20 lines from 20 different books. Hope you enjoy. All the bolded lines are the ones from the books I didn't actually use all 20 as that would have made this poem even harder to make sense.

Dear friend, 

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand

Listen and understand 

Listen and understand

And didn't try to sleep with that person at the party even though you could have. And for that they call you King. 

But when I called out to you 

"Psst King!"

No one responded. I wish you would have. Which brings me back to why I'm writing. You're supposed to listen and understand 

Listen and understand 

Listen and understand

But maybe you don't really listen to what you're being told. So I pray to God you listen to what you're written. 

I wanted to tell you about the boy I met who once told me eggs is spelled EGG'S and its not even possessive. He asked me 

"Can you teach someone to write?"

I guess I didn't answer him soon enough because he added under his breath, 

"she'd be a writer of plays."  

It was then I realized he needed to be THAT someone for me. After all, he was my idea of beautiful. Talking about writing with a deep respect. Thinking about plays. We had so much in common.

"I love you."

I'd whisper after each kiss. 

"I love you too." 

He would hold me with his arm around my waist and the smile I fell in love with. 

Before long, he stopped holding my waist. No longer told me he loved me too. Wouldn't even smile. Instead he'd talk about her. How beautiful she was and she would write plays that would make Shakespeare jealous. 

"She is just incredible." 

He'd longingly sigh with a grin I hadn't seen in months. 

Can you tell me why? Why he broke my heart for a girl who hated writing? She didn't actually even like plays. 

I guess that's just what I get for falling in love with someone who slept with me at a party simply because he could.

There you have it King. Thank you for listening and understanding. 

Love Always,

Vicky Winters

P.S I'm going to start spelling it EGGS again. No apostrophe. 

Sticks and Stones

Go ahead. Throw your sticks.

Cast your Goddamn stones.

I don't care anymore!

Nothing will hurt more than the night you looked me in my eyes and told me I wasn't good enough for you.

All my life I've been told

sticks and stones may break my bones

but words will never harm me

sticks and stones may break my bones

but words will never harm me

BULLCRAP!

They teach you to simply not listen to what others say. What the call you. All those hurtful words they use towards you. 

What they don't teach you is what to do when you do listen. You hear what they call you. You believe those hurtful words.

I let you in. Showed you all the things I hide from the world. I believed you when you said forever. You tore down my dirt foundation, drywall walls to see the sides of me no one else has. Felt a bond with you. Like, yeah. I did the right thing by letting you in. I felt safe. I felt loved.

And what do you do? 

Hurt me worse than any broken bone could ever even start comparing to the pain your words inflicted on me. 

Well I'll have you know I'm rebuilding my walls with a concrete foundation and bricks for the walls. Maybe it is best I don't show people certain sides of me. And if you have seen those sides, I'm sorry. 

At this point there's really only one thing I have to say to you but I don't want to offend anyone with my language. 

By the way, you were wrong. You were never good enough for me. I deserve better.

A SECOND love post

Thanks Slender Auditore for helping me with my second post this week. 

Because it took me long enough to think of my first love post, this one will be a love letter to you.

So here we go.

Dear Slender Auditore,

First off I have to say, my boyfriend wasn't too keen on the idea of me writing a love letter to someone other than him. I told him I'd let him proof read it before I posted it but he's busy with dinner and I have motivation to write for once.

Sorry honey.

Secondly I've been listening to the song Someone New by Hozier on repeat for the past hour an a half. My favorite line is

" 'Cause God knows I fall in love just 

a little ol' little bit 

everyday with someone new"

I wouldn't call this a love song. I don't think you can really truly love more than one person. I mean you can love your friends and you can love your family. Parents, siblings, cousins etc. But you can't LOVE more than one. At least at the same time. 

My parents raised me telling me that there is no such thing as one true love. You are capable of loving more than one person. It wasn't until recently I realized they didn't mean you can be in love with multiple people at the same time. But if your significant other passes on, you are capable of falling in love again with someone else. 

Which brings me back to the song. 

What the heckies Hozier? You can't fall in love everyday with someone new???????? 

Or can you?

Slender Auditore, I loved you from the moment we first talked. You were funny and genuine and seemingly fearless of what anyone thought of you. Pretty much everything I wish I could be. I wish I could make people laugh. I wish I felt I could open up to everyone and not have to hide things of my past. I wish I didn't care what people thought of me. What they called me. What they said to me. 

But the truth is, I don't make people laugh. I can't open up to just anyone. I do care what think of me. What they say. What they call me. 

I love you for being someone I look up to

You took me on a date. I wasn't feeling too great the day of the date and you said "that's okay, it can be a messy date!" I think that was probably my first and last date I'd ever go on in sweats, a t-shirt, messy hair and no makeup. But I had a great time. 

I love you for making me feel comfortable enough to do something so outside of my comfortzone

You always make it a point to talk to me. And when I'm feeling down or even 'pretty ok' you ask me how to make me feel better. Even when I say there's nothing you can do and that it really is fine. You still try to make me smile.

I love you for not giving up on me even though I'm depressed 

and sometimes I'm really just not happy

I gave you something one day in September. It wasn't extravagant or excellent or special or amazing or awesome. It was something that honestly, had I not thought of giving it to you I would've just thrown away. You took that gift and said thank you several times and mentioned how much you loved it. Even the next day you told me how much you still loved it.

I love you for treating something so small and seemingly stupid

as something beautiful and praiseworthy

My dear Slender Auditore I love you. 

But I am not IN LOVE with you

This is not actually a Love Letter. This is a thank you letter. Thank you for making my life brighter. Thank you for noticing me. Thank you for being such a great friend. 

Your Friend,

Vicky Winters

What is LOVE

Love are your favorite color of blue eyes that weren't as blue as you expected them to be when you first saw them
-but still having them be your favorite shade of blue anyway

Love is thinking of that them when you hear any love song and smiling ear to ear
-even though you think love songs are cheesy and overplayed

Love is constantly checking your phone for a message from them
-even though they told you they're going to be busy today and can't talk

Love is whispered Skype calls
-because if either of your parents caught you, you'd be busted

Love is knowing each others flaws inside and out
-but still knowing they're perfect

Love is when the kid in the back of the class keeps complaining about fellow peers 'being in love' because 'they're too young to love', smiling to yourself
-because you know you're in love

Love is covering your hand when Nelson read his love poem about high school students and mentions it's stupid we get promise rings for each other at this age
-because on your finger is the ring he gave you as a promise to you

Love is not double checking your Snapchat to them before sending it because it might be too ugly
-because you know they'll still find you adorable

Love is shaking your head and blushing while saying 'oh no, I'm definitely not' when they tell you you're beautiful
-because as much as you want to fight it you know they mean it and they always will

Love is sending them a million pictures of love quotes
-because each of them explains you perfectly

Baby in case you didn't get it by now

love

is

us