I wish I was Victoria

I wish I was Victoria. 

She's confident and open. She doesn't care what she posts no matter how dark or who she swears in front of in fear of her mother finding out. She will comment on blogs and participates in class.

I've tried to be more like Victoria. 

Writing in my spare time. And getting lost in the blogs. I swore in front of my mother this past week when I burnt my hand on the stove and got in a lot of trouble. I'll type out comments but delete them thinking they're too stupid and I raised my hand once but I guess Nelson didn't see.

Sorry mom.

However I am not Victoria.

I know this because I only got up for journal jam twice this semester. And both times my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating and I stumbled over all my words. I second guess my writing. Erasing instead of crossing out. I know Nelson says that creativity is the messy, raw stuff. But I just can't write in the margins.

You all know the Victoria side of me. 

It's time for the other side of me. 

I'm embarrassed when people read what I write in fear of the criticism. I can count the number of close friends, friends I can open up to, I have on one hand. It's 4. Crowds give me anxiety, yet I look forward to Comic Con every year. A lot of people don't believe me when I say I'm naturally blonde, because I've dyed my hair since 9th grade. I hate starting conversations and often come off as standoffish but I really do love talking with people. 

My name is Hannah Nufer. 

My creative writing journey is coming close to an end. I want to thank all of you for all the good times I've had so far and look forward to the rest of our time together as well. I've enjoyed reading your blogs and getting to know you that way. Maybe I'll work up the courage to say 'hi' in the hallways.

Christmas

I never cared for Christmas music. Until I met you. Too annoying because it would always get stuck in my head. Yes I am that kind of person that rolls her eyes when I hear Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I don't come to the door when Carolers come around. You won't find a Christmas station on my Pandora. Not even Christmas day do I listen to Christmas music. 

In June we drove around in your car and I found a Christmas album. 

"Isn't it a little early for Christmas music?" I asked turning the CD over to see what it had. All the classics you hear on the radio 2-3 times a day in December. 

"It's never too early for Christmas music!"

Unconvinced I put the CD down and we continued on our drive.

Now I'm sitting here and you're 911.1 miles away and I won't see you again for 104 days 17 hours 23 minutes, not that I'm counting, and I'm missing you. I've turned on some Christmas music hoping to feel closer to you. 

Paris Broke My Heart

Let's get one thing straight.

I've never liked you

You've never inspired me or made me a better person. 

All semester long we've been trying to find you. I've searched and searched but still no sign of you.

After this... well Paris quite frankly I don't want to look anymore. When I visited you, you really let me down. You were dirtier than expected. The people were rude. I never found a croissant and Notre Dame was a lot smaller than I thought. It might be unfair to blame you for those things. 

But I blame you anyway

I can live with those however. It was just a let down and nothing too serious. Well... the banana on my crepe wasn't ripe enough, that one's pretty serious. 

What you did to break my heart wasn't your fault in all honesty. It's not your fault you were invaded and attacked. When I heard the news of all the lives lost, that's when my heart broke. I could have sworn it stopped beating for a minute. I just went numb. 

Let me tell you something Paris. I know someone who was supposed to be at that concert. Luckily his plane was delayed and he ended up never leaving Germany. But you got me thinking. Thinking about how different things would be without him. First off I will admit it probably wouldn't have affected me so much. Yes I do know him but only a little. He's my sisters boyfriend. I met him twice but he seems like a nice guy. That dear Paris would have torn my sister to pieces. I love her and I want what's best for her. I can't imagine how bad it would've hurt to lose him like that. 

But I can't blame you this time

It's not your fault this happened. It's not your fault you were attacked. It's not your fault my mind thinks of situations that didn't even happen. You broke my heart because after all this time I've spent resenting you and never giving you an honest chance to inspire me, I feel awful. I wish there was something I can do for you, more than just changing my Facebook profile picture.

I'm really sorry Paris

I Wrote Your Name in Concrete

I wrote your name in concrete

In concrete it remains

I wrote it on the corner of State Street

And 81st

I wrote your name in concrete

Because I knew it'd always stay

You'd whisper to me sweet nothings

About you and me forever 

I wrote your name in concrete

Thinking somehow, someway

That would make your love not fade

But love doesn't work that way

I wrote your name in concrete

I guess you just wrote mine in pencil 

On the back of an old receipt

How to comfort me in 10 steps

1. Don't tell me it will be okay or that what I'm feeling won't last forever

Tell me you'll help me be okay 

2. Wrap me in your favorite blanket

or 2 or 3

3. If you say "I'll never leave you" keep your promise

Don't give me hope that you might actually care

4. Disney movies

Mulan never fails to make me smile. Or Aladdin, Pocahontas, Little Mermaid...

5. Don't tell me it's all in my head

They don't call it a "mental illness" for nothing

6. Find Wolfy and give her to me

Yes I do still have a stuffed animal thank you very much

7. Don't tell me you care

Show me

8. Hugs

20+ second hugs releases oxytocin

9. Offer to take me for a drive up the canyon

It's my favorite place. Especially in Fall

10. Listen

Sometimes I don't need someone to tell me "I'm here for you" or "It will be alright" sometimes I just need someone to sit and listen. I might come off as shy and quiet at first but in reality, have a lot to say