I wish I was Victoria

I wish I was Victoria. 

She's confident and open. She doesn't care what she posts no matter how dark or who she swears in front of in fear of her mother finding out. She will comment on blogs and participates in class.

I've tried to be more like Victoria. 

Writing in my spare time. And getting lost in the blogs. I swore in front of my mother this past week when I burnt my hand on the stove and got in a lot of trouble. I'll type out comments but delete them thinking they're too stupid and I raised my hand once but I guess Nelson didn't see.

Sorry mom.

However I am not Victoria.

I know this because I only got up for journal jam twice this semester. And both times my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating and I stumbled over all my words. I second guess my writing. Erasing instead of crossing out. I know Nelson says that creativity is the messy, raw stuff. But I just can't write in the margins.

You all know the Victoria side of me. 

It's time for the other side of me. 

I'm embarrassed when people read what I write in fear of the criticism. I can count the number of close friends, friends I can open up to, I have on one hand. It's 4. Crowds give me anxiety, yet I look forward to Comic Con every year. A lot of people don't believe me when I say I'm naturally blonde, because I've dyed my hair since 9th grade. I hate starting conversations and often come off as standoffish but I really do love talking with people. 

My name is Hannah Nufer. 

My creative writing journey is coming close to an end. I want to thank all of you for all the good times I've had so far and look forward to the rest of our time together as well. I've enjoyed reading your blogs and getting to know you that way. Maybe I'll work up the courage to say 'hi' in the hallways.

Christmas

I never cared for Christmas music. Until I met you. Too annoying because it would always get stuck in my head. Yes I am that kind of person that rolls her eyes when I hear Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I don't come to the door when Carolers come around. You won't find a Christmas station on my Pandora. Not even Christmas day do I listen to Christmas music. 

In June we drove around in your car and I found a Christmas album. 

"Isn't it a little early for Christmas music?" I asked turning the CD over to see what it had. All the classics you hear on the radio 2-3 times a day in December. 

"It's never too early for Christmas music!"

Unconvinced I put the CD down and we continued on our drive.

Now I'm sitting here and you're 911.1 miles away and I won't see you again for 104 days 17 hours 23 minutes, not that I'm counting, and I'm missing you. I've turned on some Christmas music hoping to feel closer to you. 

Paris Broke My Heart

Let's get one thing straight.

I've never liked you

You've never inspired me or made me a better person. 

All semester long we've been trying to find you. I've searched and searched but still no sign of you.

After this... well Paris quite frankly I don't want to look anymore. When I visited you, you really let me down. You were dirtier than expected. The people were rude. I never found a croissant and Notre Dame was a lot smaller than I thought. It might be unfair to blame you for those things. 

But I blame you anyway

I can live with those however. It was just a let down and nothing too serious. Well... the banana on my crepe wasn't ripe enough, that one's pretty serious. 

What you did to break my heart wasn't your fault in all honesty. It's not your fault you were invaded and attacked. When I heard the news of all the lives lost, that's when my heart broke. I could have sworn it stopped beating for a minute. I just went numb. 

Let me tell you something Paris. I know someone who was supposed to be at that concert. Luckily his plane was delayed and he ended up never leaving Germany. But you got me thinking. Thinking about how different things would be without him. First off I will admit it probably wouldn't have affected me so much. Yes I do know him but only a little. He's my sisters boyfriend. I met him twice but he seems like a nice guy. That dear Paris would have torn my sister to pieces. I love her and I want what's best for her. I can't imagine how bad it would've hurt to lose him like that. 

But I can't blame you this time

It's not your fault this happened. It's not your fault you were attacked. It's not your fault my mind thinks of situations that didn't even happen. You broke my heart because after all this time I've spent resenting you and never giving you an honest chance to inspire me, I feel awful. I wish there was something I can do for you, more than just changing my Facebook profile picture.

I'm really sorry Paris

I Wrote Your Name in Concrete

I wrote your name in concrete

In concrete it remains

I wrote it on the corner of State Street

And 81st

I wrote your name in concrete

Because I knew it'd always stay

You'd whisper to me sweet nothings

About you and me forever 

I wrote your name in concrete

Thinking somehow, someway

That would make your love not fade

But love doesn't work that way

I wrote your name in concrete

I guess you just wrote mine in pencil 

On the back of an old receipt

How to comfort me in 10 steps

1. Don't tell me it will be okay or that what I'm feeling won't last forever

Tell me you'll help me be okay 

2. Wrap me in your favorite blanket

or 2 or 3

3. If you say "I'll never leave you" keep your promise

Don't give me hope that you might actually care

4. Disney movies

Mulan never fails to make me smile. Or Aladdin, Pocahontas, Little Mermaid...

5. Don't tell me it's all in my head

They don't call it a "mental illness" for nothing

6. Find Wolfy and give her to me

Yes I do still have a stuffed animal thank you very much

7. Don't tell me you care

Show me

8. Hugs

20+ second hugs releases oxytocin

9. Offer to take me for a drive up the canyon

It's my favorite place. Especially in Fall

10. Listen

Sometimes I don't need someone to tell me "I'm here for you" or "It will be alright" sometimes I just need someone to sit and listen. I might come off as shy and quiet at first but in reality, have a lot to say

101 Things I Fear

1. Praying mantises
2. Thunderstorms
3. The dark
4. Being alone
5. Failure
6. Being the center of attention
7. Never being noticed
8. Loss
9. Never being enough
10. The ACT
11. Going to College
12. Not being accepted to College
13. The future
14. My past
15. Myself
16. Scary movies
17. Haunted houses
18. Religion
19. Texting first
20. Coming off as fake
21. Being annoying
22. That secretly no one actually likes me but they pretend they do and talk to me for the sake of we go to the same school but once graduation comes they'll never speak to me again
23. Graduating
24. Never amounting to anything in life
25. Divorce
26. The number 7
27. That people will judge me for still listening to The Jonas Brothers
28. People I know finding my Tumblr
29. Clowns
30. That one clown from season 4 of American Horror Story *shudders*
31. Being cut in half
32. A slow, painful death
33. Big spiders
34. Touching snakes
35. Crowds 
36. Never marrying
37. Never becoming a mother
38. Getting cancer
39. Public speaking
40. The ocean
41. Squids
42. Octopuses
43. Sea turtles
44. All ocean animals really
45. What others think of me
46. Needles
47. Being abandoned
48. The unknown
49. Driving
50. Metathesiophobi (fear of change)
51. Bees/wasps/yellow jackets etc.
52. Dragonflies
53. Being forgotten
54. That I don't mean as much to other people as they mean to me
55. Talking on the phone
56. When someone says "we need to talk"
57. Choking to death
58. Being buried alive
59. Rejection
60. People touching me
61. Snapping one's neck when they pop it
62. Being ridiculed
63. Freezing to death
64. Blood
65. Natural disasters
66. Holding babies-Dropping them accidentally
67. Embarrassing myself
68. When rings get stuck on my finger 
69. Becoming insane
70. Arguing 
71. Ebola
72. Swine Flu
73. Having to get an amputation for any reason
74. Mascot (people in those mascot costumes... Sorry Cosmo, stay away from me at games)
75. War
76. Heart failure
77. Dying young
78. Financial insecurity when I grow up
79. Growing up
80. Going skydiving and my parachute not opening
81. Being impaled
82. Ouija boards
83. Expressing my opinion
84. Being put under anesthesia and never coming out again
85. Being laughed at
86. Bullying
87. Quiet people
88. Old people
89. Big reptiles
90. Being alone in a forest
91. Fainting... again.
92. People grabbing my wrists
93. Being outside at night
94. Lakes at night
95. Dolls at night
96. Being stared at
97. Being eaten
98. Being replaced
99. Hippos
100. When my dad shoved sunflower seeds up my nose
101. That no one reads my blog

Alive

Songs that make me feel I'm alive.

Songs that remind me I am alive.

1. Iris-Goo Good Dolls
2. Broken-Lifehouse
3. Angels On The Moon-Thriving Ivory
4. Sheep Go To Heaven-Cake
5. Holocene-Bon Iver (explicit)
6. Fight Song-Rachel Platten
7. Year 3000-Jonas Brothers
8. Bye Bye Bye-'N Sync
9. Beautiful-POD
10. Work Song-Hozier
11. Tiny Glowing Screens pt 2-George Watsky (explicit)
12. Hey @$$hole-Watsky (explicit)
13. Such Small Hands/Nobody, Not Even The Rain-La Dispute
14. Take Me To Church-Hozier
15. A Thousand Miles-Vanessa Carlton
16. Sk8r Boii-Avril Lavigne
17. Check Yes Juliet-We The Kings
18. September-Daughtry
19. Skyscraper-Demi Lovato
20. F***ing Perfect-P!nk (explicit)