Dear Nelson

I promised myself I wouldn't cry at the end of this class.

But on Wednesday May 18th at 2:15pm while I was swinging my backpack on my shoulder I heard Sol say "That was it." I asked "That was what?" "That was the last day of Creative Writing 2. It's over." Letting that sink in I hurried and said bye and left for my carpool wiping a tear as I hustled down the hallway eyes locked on the floor hoping no one would see.

Because the only thing worse than crying is having someone ask you why.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry at the end of this class. 

But on Friday May 20th at about 2:00pm Nelson stood up and spoke to us and your voice cracked a little like you were about to cry and I blinked hard to keep the tears in. I kept telling myself we still have Wednesday its not over we still have Wednesday. 

Because the most heartbreaking sound is that crack in someone's voice as they're about to cry. 

I promised myself I wouldn't cry at the end of this class. 

But I've never been good at keeping promises to myself. 

Nelson you changed my life. 

You helped me find what I love

You helped me make it through high school

You helped me accept myself

You helped me find the spark in life once more

You helped me realize that not everyone's opinion about me matters

You helped me to take risks

You helped me feel like I had a safe haven in the whirlwind of high school 

You helped me look at people in a new light

You helped me realize I didn't have to be just one thing, and that's okay

I have written in my journal several times about things that I wasn't ready to tell you yet but someday maybe I could. Well I'm not scared anymore. I don't feel ashamed or that I have to hide the darkness of the past. In 10th grade I had a really bad problem with self-harm. But now I'm over 2 years clean. In 11th grade I'd talk to Mr. Saunders because he noticed I wasn't okay. He asked me on a scale of 1-10 how suicidal I was and I answered 4 only because I was scared if I said higher he'd tell my parents. But now I'm 4 days from graduating and have my whole life ahead of me and I cannot wait. 

I cannot wait because you taught me I can do anything I put my mind to and I know how tacky and lame that sounds but right now I'm laying in my bed with my hair tied up in socks to curl it and I'm determined not to erase anything because I want this to be raw and I want this to be real. 

Nelson, chances are this is my last Dear Nelson ever.

So I really want to make this meaningful.

You've changed my life in ways I can't even begin to thank you enough for.

And I feel like this is dragging on and I really don't know what else to say other than thank you.

-Hannah Marie Nufer

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

I hope you don't forget me because you better believe I'll be stopping by your class in the future. 

rn

• rn I'm sitting at my computer in my favorite pj pants (they have pockets) my hair pulled back, my Mickey mouse snuggie with my legs crisscross applesauce. 
• rn the TV is on. It's playing Mystery Diners and the owner is getting pissed at their manager who is stealing money from their business.
• rn my sister's hamster keeps getting stuck under the computer desk so I keep reaching down and picking up his ball and moving him.
• rn my parents and brother are skyping my sister who lives in Germany
• rn I'm thinking I should go talk to her but I feel bad because she wants me to take over her job in Alabama and I have NO desire to go to Alabama.
• rn the owner on Mystery Diners swore and they bleeped it out and all the possibilities are going through my head. I'm pretty sure it was fuck
• rn my fingers are cold
• rn I'm overthinking this post. I feel like what I'm typing isn't good enough
• rn I feel closer as a CW2 class than ever before.
• rn I feel bad for not telling Sol I couldn't watch the movie on Friday. I had to go to young womens instead.
• rn my back is sore.
• rn my brother just told me "these guys look like Amish rappers."
• rn I'm trying to figure out what the hell an Amish rapper looks like.

Right now, I am real and I am alive

Story Time Children!!!

Gather 'round one and all! Time for my story!

Alright so it's really not an interesting story... It's just about the time I won the Story Telling Contest in 5th grade (maybe 6th I don't remember)

Because all my favorite stories start this way I'm going to start mine this way so deal with it.

nce upon a time many, many year ago, there was an awkward me. I attended Cedar Ridge Elementary. 

There is this tradition in that school that everyone dreaded. The Storytelling Festival. Honestly I never met a single soul who was like "OH BOY STORYTELLING FESTIVAL!" Except little miss perfect who won it every year. Her mom was one of those barbie moms who's like 30 but thinks shes 16. Always made her daughter achieve all the things in life she never did. 

I am pretty sure that all the teachers knew the kids didn't like this tradition so finally one of my teachers decided to bargain with us. She sat us down and said "Alright this is how the Storytelling Festival is going down this year. Either 3 of you volunteer to tell a story and we vote out of those 3. Or, everyone has to tell a story." 

That was answered by a chorus of groans and even one 'come on!' We sat there for a solid 40 seconds until the teacher started to say "alright looks like everyone has-" I then raised my hand and was all "Lady lemme stop ya right there. I'll tell a freakin story and if 2 others don't raise their hands and take one for the team Ima be mad."

Not long after me 2 others offered to share a tale. The next day in class I had completely forgotten. So I asked to go last. The first girl up actually seemed excited to tell a story. The guy couldn't care less about his story. Then I went up and made up a version of 'The Three Little Pigs' on the spot. I don't remember any of it other than my fellow classmates laughing. 

Fast forward a day and I had learned that the class voted my story was the best. That then meant I had to tell my story in an assembly with all the students. And I'm pretty sure that's the first appearance my anxiety reared it's ugly face. 

I accepted my fate. Did what any anxious student would do.

I faked sick the day of the assembly.

So the girl who actually wanted to go up in front of everyone got her lime light and I got a day off school. Win win situation if you ask me. 

And that children is how I got out of the Storytelling Festival and my faking sick started and hasn't stopped to this day.

    

deSSert

When I was 8 years old I couldn't spell dessert. 

Instead I would always write desert.

I still think about that sometimes.

When I was in 3rd grade I was hit in the face with a jump rope at recess and my glasses broke right in half. The next week I had to wear my mothers old coke bottle glasses while mine were being fixed. 3 boys in my class teased me and the teacher made them write apology letters.

I still think about that sometimes.

When I was in 4th grade I was balancing a balloon on my face after my birthday party. I stepped on my sock and tripped myself smacking my face into the window sill. I broke my right front tooth in half, spat it out, burst into tears and ran upstairs screaming for my mom as my two older sisters sat on the couch laughing at me.

I still think about that sometimes.

My 5th grade teacher pulled me aside one day to tell me he was going to put me in the easier reading group because I wasn't good enough of a reader to be in my current group.

I cried right in front of him and my whole class.

I still think about that sometimes.

I would have failed my 6th grade typing class if it weren't for my mother going in and talking to the teacher to see if I could do extra assignments to make up for my slowness on the timed typing tests.

I still think about that sometimes.

Now, I always spell dessert with two S's because it's sweet and you want twice as much as you want a desert.

Now, I still have those apology letters and read them. Their innocent childlike apologies make me smile.

Now, I have read Phantom of the Opera 3 times, Les Miserables, the Hobbit and several other hard to read books just for fun.

Now, to this day I hold the record for the fastest timed typing test in my middle school. (Quail Run Academy) 

Now, I like my dessert extra extra sweet

Live

M.A.S.H

Ways I Say I Love You

1. I've been thinking about you
2. I miss you
3. Is there anything I can do for you
4. I just wanted to see how you have been doing
5. Drive safely
6. Text me when you get home so I know you made it safely
7. How is everything for you
8. How can I help
9. You look very good today
10. Are you ok
11. Make sure to go to bed at a decent time
12. Careful
13. Buckle up
14. Your shoes are untied that's a danger hazard you could trip fall and die
15. Want some of my food
16. This reminded me of you
17. I saw this picture, it made me laugh, I thought you might like it too
18. This song made me think of you
19. I really like your hair today
20. Good luck
21. You're a beautiful human being
22. Wow! I'm proud of you
23. I was wrong
24. What do you want to do
25. Would you like to come over
26. Want to go to a movie? My treat
27. I'll buy
28. What movie do you want to watch
29. Will you help me
30. Did you get home alright
31. Here, take mine
32. Want to split lunch
33. Just so you know the cop is waiting at the 4-way to pull someone over
34. How is everyone in your family
35. Yes Josh, you can have shotgun
36. Did you sleep alright
37. Did you have a nice day
38. What are your plans for today
39. Dress warm today it's cold out
40. Take your umbrella
41. Do you need anything
42. Would you like a treat
43. I got your favorite movie
44. Don't worry, I'll take care of it
45. You have a dog
46. Can I pet your dog
47. What's your dogs name
48. Your dog is so cute
49. You're my favorite person
50. I did your chore this week
51. Already taken care of
52. Let me get that for you
53. I'm so lucky to have you in my life
54. You have a pretty smile
55. You make me happy
56. What do you hope to accomplish in life
57. Tell me about your favorite book
58. Should I read it
59. You can use mine
60. Tell me about your hopes and dreams
61. I got this for you
62. Lets go to Coldstone
63. You can have it
64. No that's ok, you take it
65. Yes I'm sure
66. Want to barrow a jacket
67. Did you get a haircut, it looks good
68. I made you this
69. I got this for you
70. Want to go on a walk
71. Lets go down by the creek
72. I took a picture of the sunrise/sunset, thought you might like to see
73. Tell me what interests you
74. Lets do it together
75. Will you come up to Tibble Fork with me
76. I like spending time with you
77. I have an extra ticket, you wanna come
78. I just thought I'd stop by, see how you're doing
79. I heard you were sick and thought you'd like these cookies
80. Are you sure you packed everything you need
81. I can't wait to see you again
82. I'll always be here for you
83. I'm only a text/call away if you need
84. I'm glad you're happy you deserve to be
85. I need your help
86. You pick
87. Do you remember that one time when we ____
88. I need a hug
89. It's great to see you again
90. Do you need someone to talk to, because you can always talk to me
91. Want my candy
92. Everything will be ok
93. Well done
94. Can I walk you home
95. Watch the ice, I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself
96. Want me to get you coffee
97. I saved you a seat
98. Lets go on an adventure
99. I hope you like it
100. Thank you
101. I'm sorry

Sofar Sounds

If You Really Knew Me

I was born December 2nd 1997 on a Tuesday

and I still consider myself a 90's kid

I remember VCR's and Nickelodeon Wonder balls 

                                           

I weigh 135lbs

133 on my sisters scale though

135lbs of sweaty palms and insecurity about my writing

I'm still learning the Lone Peak Fight Song and Dance

even though I am a senior

stomp clap stomp stomp clap stomp clap stomp stomp clap clap

that's all I got I think

I'm often taking naps in various spots in my house

but never my bed

I've never been to South America

and quite frankly, I never want to

Hello, I'm Hannah. 2 H's 2 A's 2 N's

Yes I know it's pretty

Yes I know it's common

and yes, I KNOW it's a palindrome

I wait all year for the Count Chocula cereal

I'm still snacking on a box I've stashed away

I still have my sweater from 4th grade

because I can't bring myself to throw anything away

ever

However if you really knew me

you'd know I hate my name

I cringe at the sound of it sorry all the Hannah's in the world

You'd know I'm jealous of my sisters

the oldest was born on Halloween so her name is Holly Wenday (Halloween Day)

the other was due on Christmas so her name is Merissa Christine (Merry Christmas)

my parents were going to name me Hannah Kaye (Hanukkah)

but decided not to

So now I'm just me

Hannah Marie

and it is very nice to meet you again

Paris Syndrome

Paris

wasn't what I expected

Noter Dame

was smaller than Disney made me imagine

Locals

intimidated me

The

Crepes

weren't as sweet as I dreamed they'd be

The

Eiffel Tower

wasn't even there

Well... at least not the real one,

the small one from Las Vegas stood in it's place

But that just wasn't the same 

I realized I hadn't actually landed in Paris yet

just had a 2 day layover in Vegas

or I fell asleep on the plane

But I just got on my flight now

I have my fingers crossed I land in Paris soon

You asked me what I was thinking, but didn’t understand my reply

I’m thinking about everything and nothing at all.

I’m thinking about how the wind asks the trees to waltz while the moon plays a melody that makes the flowers cry.

I’m thinking about how lonely it feel if I could be the stars for a day.

I’m thinking about how gracious and humble the sun is. Giving light and warmth to all those it touches, asking nothing in return.

I’m thinking about how the sun doesn’t let anyone near it in fear of hurting them.

I’m thinking about the secrets mountains tell each other while we all are sleeping.

I’m thinking about that one ant who thinks he’s an elephant and elephant who thinks he’s a ladybug.

I’m thinking about the doves who think they’re dodos and the penguins who dream of flying.

I’m thinking about the old swing set in my back yard never being touched for years and how sad it must’ve been when the first contact it had with people since then was my dad tearing it down.

I’m thinking about how roads spend their days staring up in the sky longing to be clouds so they can see the world too.

I’m thinking about the clouds who’d give anything to be a road to stay in one place instead of never really having a home.

I’m thinking about everything.
I’m thinking about nothing.

Things That I Rememer

I remember my first day of high school.

-It was scary and the halls were too crowded. 

I remember not knowing where to go for lunch until I saw Mason. 

-He helped me navigate through the crowds and ate with me. It was nice. 

I remember going to Nelson's class for the first time. 

-Jesse was in the class so I sat next to him. 

I remember doing my first ever writing prompt. 

-First impressions. 

I remember Nelson showed us his example. 

-He wrote that he had siblings of kids he taught before and mentioned my sister Holly and her double dutch skills.

I remember getting my worst grade ever. 

-It was a D+ in biology. 

I remember thinking that I disqualified for the Regents Scholarship 

-I knew from then on I wouldn't take physics or chemistry because what was the point? 

I rememember my first spirit bowl. 

-I covered my face in maroon paint. My team won. Mighty Maroon pride. 

I remember wondering if teachers ever thought of students and their lives at home. 

-I wondered if any of them would even care about what I had going on. Turns out they do.  

I remember my first high school boyfriend.

-It lasted less than a month. 

I remember sitting in 700 hall for lunch the first time. 

-I still do. 

I remember looking forward to graduating for so many years. 

-But I'm not ready for it to end yet. 

Film Festival

For Jessie Lyric Phoenix

I finally did it! Read every post and got my favorite line from each one. It's been really cool to be able to get to know you through your writing. You have such a strong voice. I love it. I am so sorry it's awfully late.

I thought I had a type, but then I saw you.

-You're so #different

My childhood was filled with crying and the word no.

-Do I Even Want my Crayons

The world is a canvas, and fall is a masterpiece.

-Fall... The Season

The water seems to smile.

-Silver

His is sent into the sky joining all the others.

-More Than Just a Hat

My sweet melodies from people ho have captured my highest respect.

-My Sweet Melodies

I seek the great perhaps in my life.

-Welcome

I am that look in your eyes I haven't seen in months.

-I am Everything

I knew I was never meant for someone great.

-Well Shit

A crossroads with infinite options.

-Thinking

It only adds a fire in your eyes.

-Depression Meets Happiness

I yearn for the days I could sit down and type out my feelings in beautiful sonnets.

-Trying

We want to fly.

-I've Been

I'd like to quote a person I hold dear in my heart.

-I don't Know

Do what you love instead of planning to do hat you love.

-Hello my old Heart

It's been a year now. I still miss you.

-Letters to the Hitchhikers in my Life

To embrace what's so far away.

-How to Shit on Your Life

I just want to be happy. I don't need money. I don't need fame.

-My Dark Passenger

I feel. I touch. I hear. I smell. I taste. I'm alive.

-I'm Alive

And mother nature was put there just so I can have my first kiss in the rain.

-What the Bricks

You took a part of me with you when you said your goodbyes. And I think there's a reason I haven't gotten it back yet... You are one "what if" I do not want to look back on.

-YOU

We may never have fallen in love, but all of us know what it is.

-LOVE. The Great Unknown

My life is an equation with a missing written number.

-Who am I

We've made life a competition. And the only prize is a wasted life.

-I'm not Human I'm Real

There's nothing wrong with taking a break.

-Life. Is. Hard.

Love got distracted by a butterfly.

-Face it

How do I make everyday memorable?

-What to Write

But darling we have Neverland.

-We Are The Lost Boys

I still can't decide if I was too much or if you were too lazy.

-To Every Boy I've Ever Loved Liked

Our imagination is our limit.

-Dreams

And sometimes perspective doesn't know where to draw the line. 

-Perspective

I wondered, what their stories were and suddenly I was making up a story for everyone I saw.

-Who Knows?

I evolved into a dreamer.

-When

Uncurl your soul, and search for the door where the air is fresh and crisp. You've been through enough. You deserve it.

-Depression is

Fake smiles and come unsewn.

-Alone

P.S.-Please tell me if you have read this because, well, it'd be nice to know.

-Words to You (Hopefully You Know Who You Are)

You know I'm a dreamer.

-In This World

Go ahead and look for that day. But also look at where you are now, And act. Live. Push on and fight.

-Day To Day

So screw the status quo.

-Realize

You'll always want to truthfully say, "I am real."

-I am Real

The clouds are covering the stars tonight.

-Stars are Gone

I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm worried, I'm a wall, I'm two different people, I'm confused, I'm never going to get out of this. I'm not going to fall in love with falling. 

-Lost

You think you know it all, More than I ever will, But I'll get to my ball, And your world will become still.

-To The Jackass

But it's hard when nobody believes in me.

-Ghost

Everyday you went out into life believing, knowing, that things were going to get better.

-Fix

I have more fear in me than bones and blood.

-Where the Truth Runs Free

I cannot just mindlessly choose something that will influence every aspect of my life.

-100% Not For You

Stop thinking and accept it.

-Doubt 

All we want is to die knowing that we achieved true happiness.

-Happiness

Life degraded me into a mere inconvenience.

-Fall

I thought true love could last.

-Hopeless

Something wrong, for all that's right.

-Only for Me

Born a costar.

-Keep Scrolling

Never will I let such a beautiful life go unnoticed.

-Goodbye

But best friends are never supposed to leave.

-My Dear Friend

It's just an illusion. A stupid meaningless illusion.

-Nothing but Dead Ends

I am what I am, So I'll do what I can, I'll speak my no's, And consider the pros.

-Courageous

And I'd rather have little than nothing at all.

-Inspired

So tell me. Where is your heart.

-Home

My life is me on roller coaster in pitch black. I don't know where I'm going, but the tracks are there, and they're taking me to the light.

-Something New

Even though it does have scratches it doesn't care, because when it is doing what it is designed to do it is happy, and it doesn't want your stupid fancy qualities, because, in it's own petite life, it. is. perfect.

-Not Just a Box

How can this world be real when it's so made up?

-How?

Because it's hard to admit, but I was falling for you.

-Untitled

Since I met you not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you.

-This Is Not A Poem, Nor Is It For You

I'm so antisocial that the only thing that can make me the slightest bit happy is sitting curled up in a corner with a book.

-Confession Time

I'm usually wrong.

-Where do I go From Here?

I walk through the halls feeing so small.

-Unfinished

Though I don't want it to end I'm only holding onto the stories from the past.

-A Tribute To A Friend

Darkness, It's all I feel.

-Darkness

You just know the world's out to get you sometimes, and sadly the world plays favorites.

-Life, Love, And Depression

Of course there's never just a beginning.

-The Beginning

Blackout Poetry